07-08 Writing Exchange VII

Writing Exchange VII
April 15, 2008

Journal #62
My whole life everyone I ever cared for either abandoned or betrayed me: so I never let anyone get close to me. I always push them away. I reject them before they reject me. I hurt them before they hurt me.
Every school I ever went to I just started getting in trouble and fights daily because I didn’t want any of them trying to be my friend. This was the case even when I first started going to the school I go to now, my county community school. I’ve been going here off an on for a number of years.
The first bit was definitely like that, but these last couple of years have been different. I’ve become really attached to this school, these teachers, and these kids. I finally found a school where people can understand me: where I can express myself. I am at peace when I am here, but now my school is shutting down and all of those feelings of abandonment and betrayal are coming back up.
It seems I can’t do anything about it. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m going to do when it shuts down. I realize every day now that time keeps getting closer and closer to the end. When the school does shut down, I hope I do not become that sick kid again. I pray every night I don’t become who I used to be because that is my biggest fear.

Journal #63
I’m still on this earth and I don’t know why. I guess God put me here for a reason, but I just don’t know what that is at the moment. All I wish is that I might be able to say that I have a family again. All I wish is that I can be loved and treated the way a young person should be.
It is hard for me to look inside of my mom’s eyes because every time I want to go home with her I can’t. It breaks her heart, but it shatters mine. I just want my mom and my brother back. I have not seen my brother since I was 13 years old. I just hope he remembers me.

Journal #64
My dad, he called the other day. It was crazy. My mom picked up the phone and she told me my dad wanted to talk to me. As soon as she told me that, I was out of the room in a flash! My mom informed me that he is in the hospital and he is dying.
I didn’t make much of it. I mean, he isn’t even in my life now so it won’t be different, but apparently he wanted to apologize for abusing me. I just laughed and said I didn’t care. He already did what he said he would never do, but inside I was upset. I left my house and went to my aunt’s house.
I woke up the next day at 5 AM. I went out to get a calling card and called Mexico. I talked to my dad and I told him I forgive him. I hung up and cried myself to sleep, but it felt so good to forgive him. At the same time, it seems weird.




Journal #65
I’m pretty much on the crossroads right now and I have no idea where I’m headed. Hopefully I am in the right direction. I’ve done stupid things in the past and that is why I’m kind of starting off badly in my life. I would like to finish school and go to college so I can get a good job.
The thing I want to do the most is travel. I want to go places I have never been and see things I have never seen. However, I could never see myself living in a city. I’ll probably have to at some point, but towards the end of my life, I want to live in the mountains or just somewhere real beautiful and peaceful.
Right now I need to get my stuff done. I need to get good grades and come to school every day. I’m doing a lot better at this now than in the past.


Journal #66
Where am I on this path of life we are discussing? I would say I’m leaning towards the path of success and happiness. For me this is going to college after I graduate high school and staying in the strong healthy relationship I have with my man.
I’m on this path because I’ve grown as a person and as a woman. I’m not into all the immature stuff that most kids are still into. I also surround myself with good people. Another thing that has helped is the teachers or staff at this school. When they said I could do it and make it, I really started to believe it. I see myself in a year to five years staying on the right path. I would have never said that before.

Journal #67
The trip we took with both NCCS and SCCS to Monterey was a lot of fun. I remember good food at Bubba Gump’s and great mom jokes (72 Ha, Ha, Ha). The boat ride on the Pacific was so cool even though many of my peers got ill. I remember seeing all those crazy *** fish in the Monterey Bay Aquarium. The otters and the hammerhead sharks were my highlights. The trip home while listening and dancing to Thriller and Beat It was a great ending to an awesome adventure. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Journal #68
Our schools left for Monterey today. I was really excited when we went to San Francisco. I had a blast, so I’ve been looking forward to this trip for a while. I almost didn’t get to go, but when the trip was getting close, my teacher, Scott Bailey, talked to me and said, “I really want you to go on this trip. You were a blast on the last trip, but you’re just not cutting it.” So I tried to get my **** together, and here I am in Monterey.

Journal #69
Well, today we had a conversation about life paths. There were two: the good and the bad. I think I’m not on either one. I’m somewhere in the middle. I have done a couple of drugs and have spent time at the hall. I still have expectations for myself to have good friends, to get a job, and to be a successful person. I would like to have a good paying career and a house. So, I’m in between paths of good and bad just like most people. I’m just a normal person.



Journal #70
I’m on a good path. I’m glad what path I am on, not going back to jail. I’m not on EMP (Electronic Monitoring Program) any more. I am working on getting a job. I’m just trying to get my **** done, to get off probation, do my community service, and pay my fines. I need to stay out of trouble.

Journal #71
Today we got up, went to school, and traveled to Monterey. I saw the ocean for the first time. It was amazing.
We ate at Bubba Gump’s. It was delicious. The trip is just as good as San Francisco.
We went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium and I saw some fairly scary fish! As we were going to sleep, we sat around telling some insane jokes. On our last day in Monterey, we actually went out on the ocean. We saw whales, but many students got ill.
What I noticed is that is that the teachers are more than just teachers. They are funny and they are like family. I mean they are our parents from 8:00 to 2:00. I learned that they are fun and they are all good people.

Journal #72
Nowadays money is hard to come by. Some people work hard for little money. Other’s pay rent with no problems. It seems like the rich get richer. I see lot’s of people get evicted and kicked out of their homes. Regardless, you can’t get everything with money.

Journal #73
Being a big sister is a hard job. I realized not that long ago that my little sister actually looks up to me. When I was running the streets and being bad, she would show me off to her friends. She was excited to state that I got in a fight and **** like that. Now that I’m doing very well, she ignores me.
She told me yesterday that she liked me better when I was bad! I guess this is because her friends think I’m a *****. I tell her I don’t want that life back, trying to act hard in front of my friends and every time I fought, got shot at, or shot at people, I would go home and cry in my room. I couldn’t show my real emotions to people. After I told her my experiences, she understood a little, but for teens now it is all about being tough.

Journal #74
I want to be somebody. I’ve been trying to straighten my act up because I don’t want to be a negative influence on my brother and sisters. Most of all, I don’t want to be like my dad. I want to go somewhere in life and be the first kid in my family to go to college. I want to fulfill my dream of becoming a cook and owning a restaurant.
I am going to choose the path on the left because I want to have a good stable job, own a house, have a nice truck, and to have a family. It is leading me to have a good life and to be successful in life. I’m on it because I chose to be on it instead of going in and out of prison. I want to go to the top and to show the people who think I am a nobody, I can be and do whatever I want.


Journal #75
For starters, I love to write. That is pretty much how I express myself. It is hard to say what is on my mind because I probably don’t want to talk about it, but I spill everything when I’m writing. I just write and things start to make sense to me.
I don’t like to talk to people about my personal life because someone’s always got it worse than you. Plus, I don’t want people to feel bad for me because I didn’t have a dad growing up or because I was always confused in life and at times I still am. I don’t want people to look at me and feel sorry for me because my parents did meth.
I look at myself shamelessly and proud, knowing that when I grow up I am not going to be like them. My dad was never a big deal to me growing up. When he would get locked back up, me and my siblings wouldn’t even ask about it. It was so normal I thought he would be back eventually, maybe. And when he was out I don’t even remember calling him dad. I called him by his first name, like he was just some other person because that is all he was to me: just another face in the crowd. I didn’t look up to him or count on him for anything. I bet if someone would have told me he died or wasn’t my dad, it wouldn’t have phased me.
For the past four years or so he’s been out and staying out of trouble. We’ve had our time to get closer and we have. He’s always been more of a friend than a father and that’s just how I see him. Now I don’t ask much from him still and I don’t expect anything except for him to be clean. If he could do that, our whole family would change. I feel his dope is like a big block in our family holding him back on the other side from being a part of me. I don’t think he realizes it but it’s okay. I don’t expect him to just pick up this responsibility and act like a superhero. I just honestly think it would be easier and my family would be happy. It’s kind of sad knowing and watching your little brother, the spitting image of you and our dad, start to act just like him. I want the best for him.

Journal #76
A little over 3 weeks ago I thought I was doing good. I had a job, I was staying clean, and I was coming to school even though I left early quite often. I wasn’t leaving to do bad things, I was leaving to go to work. Turns out probation officers don’t like kids leaving school early.
I was pretty proud of myself except I didn’t realize that nobody liked my attitude. I was a little too outspoken and got suspended from school for a 3rd time. I knew my P.O. was going to lock me up. I thought about going on the run again, and then I started thinking about my dad, step mom, and step sister. With all the effort my dad put into helping me get back on track, I didn’t want to slap him in the face and throw it all away. I did the right thing and I went to the probation office. Like I knew she would, my PO locked me up.
Being locked up made me feel like me trying to do good the last 5 months was completely worthless. Even now that I am out it still feels like my efforts were worthless. I no longer have my job. The thing that bothers me the most is the urge to give in to drugs and into my old ways of life. I ******* hate those thoughts. It makes it really hard to be positive and outgoing in my life.