07-08 Writing Exchange I (YEAR TWO)

Journal #1
Life is a strange thing. There’s always going be good and bad times, but they will even out don’t get me wrong. I have had a pretty ****** up life. I never met my biological father. My mom was almost never there when I needed her, but at least the person I call “dad” was there to raise me since I was six months old. He took care of me. My mom was an on and off drug user, so when my dad was at work, we were alone for a long time. Then my dad realized that my mom was barely taking care of us so my grandparents watched us after school.I remember one night when I was about seven. I woke up at like 2 AM because of a bad dream. I wanted my mom, but she wasn’t there. I didn’t want to wake up my daddy, so I went to wake up my sister. I walked to her room and saw the basement door was open. I was very scared so I woke up my sister and my dad. My dad went down there to see if my mom was there, but she wasn’t. I recall thinking my mother was dead in the basement because that door had never been open before. Anyhow, life really hasn’t gotten that much better except that my mom doesn’t use anymore. I don’t live with her, but my life still sucks.

Journal #2
I feel the pain upon my eyesJust the September’s midnight skiesI hold on as tight as I canUntil the day I can’t hold on any moreIt hurts deep insideI open my heart extremely wideTill I find a girl that stand’s by my side.Pain is realJust like the bullet you can not feelAm I dreamingBecause your jumping off a building but you go through the ceilingSix feet underHere comes the rain, here comes the thunderI cannot help but just to wonderIt hurts deep inside and I just don’t know whyJust like October’s midnight skies.

Journal #3
Drug addiction has been in my family for a long time. It has taken many of my family members. My father attempted suicide on several occasions during his addiction. My grandfather hung himself two blocks from where I live now and it hurts every time I pass that house. Now it is my turn. Now I’m the addict, but there is something different about me. I will not let myself be like that. I refuse.

Journal #4
The one thing I regret most right now in life is not spending as much time with my dad. I didn’t hang out with him that much. I was never home. I wish I could go back in time and spend more time with him instead of my friends. I miss him so much. He was the best dad ever. He had always been there for me. He was a constant support. Most of all he loved me no matter what I did. He was the same to my brothers and my mom. It has been a year since he died and it is still hard to believe he is never coming back. I really regret not spending very much time with him. I love you daddy.

Journal #5
If I could take one thing back, it would be my brother leaving my life. I guess you could say I was a good boy until he left. I got something that would make him so happy. I know it would. He left us a mess. I don’t really blame him, but after he left, my life changed. I didn’t give a **** anymore. I started doing stupid ****, drugs, and not coming home. Then I got involved in gangs. I can’t say I regret it, but it’s not what I like either. I’d get into fights all the time and when they said we need you , I had to be there. I regret the one thing I did. It started out fun. The next thing I knew, I was drunk, not giving a **** with a gun, and I used it. From then on it all changed. I hurt people but at the same time who cared? I didn’t. I like being in a gang. It’s fun and at the same time it is not. Whenever I wanted to kick it with the homies, I knew there would always be someone there to do it with.Now things have changed again. Something is happening in my life where I have to think about others before myself. I don’t want the person I’m looking out for in gangs because it wouldn’t be good.I don’t blame my brother for my decisions, but if he didn’t leave, I don’t think I would be where I am now: on probation having to be home at a certain time and not being able to hang out with my friends because of who they are. When he left me I changed. My life, my family and now there is this one special person. I feel because of my brother my life could end up shorter than planned or in prison not being able to take care of this person or play with them. My choosing of gangs is because of my brother leaving my life. I regret getting in gangs, but I can’t stop. They say you can, but it’s ******* hard. I am what I am to the fullest, but now I know I have to calm down because of what responsibility I have. At the same time I wonder where it will it get me, but I understand it will get me friends. No, **** friends, family for life, but is it the family I want? It’s not what I want for my own, but I can’t change it. I regret gangs. It’s nothing but prison.

Journal #6
Sometimes I wish I could take back ever being born. You may ask why. Well, for the first 12 years of my life I had an abusive dad and crack head mom. I used to wonder why they had me. If they did not want me, then why did they have me? I thank God that I found my new foster family. They are some of the coolest people in the world. So now I do not ask myself those questions quite as often.

Journal #7
If I could take back one thing, it would be being involved in the gang life. I don’t even know how I got involved myself, but since I grew up in a household full of gangbangers, it influenced me. I mean it was hard to walk down the street for me before I joined the gang lifestyle. Just by knowing my father, people would ask me if I was in; just because of who I was related to. I used to say “no,” but I still got beat up because of my relations. So ever since I joined a gang, I feel protected and now if they want to jump me for something, it is for what they used to believe anyway.I lost my brother and he is far away from home. It makes me consider dropping out and starting a new life. I don’t want to get sent away from my mom and break her heart for being the next criminal in the family, but **** it, I am already in the game and it seems the only way out is death.

Journal #8I regret the fact that I can’t stop ******* up. I regret the fact of what I have put my mom through. I mean for the past two years I have been in and out of Juvenile Hall six or seven times and that adds up to be a lot of stress and ******* money my mom has to pay. If I keep going at the rate I have been, I’m going to end up in prison and end up not being there for my own kids or able to provide for my family like my **** up of a father. So I sit here and ask myself, Why?

Journal #9I wish that my life was normal. I wish that the person I considered my real dad was still alive and here to tell me everything is going to be alright. I’d believe him. I wish that life was simple and not so hard. I wish that nothing ever changed. I wish that I could turn back time because if I could I would go back and change everything that ever went wrong in my life. I wish I had someone to listen to my pain and sorrow. I wish I had somebody to tell me that everything is OK. I had someone after my dad’s death, but they left me too, just like everybody that means something to me seems to do. Right when things start to get good, they up and leave. Right now, I wish I wasn’t ever born.

Journal #10I was sitting outside on the steps looking at the stars. I could hear the dog barking. I remember hearing gunshots and people screaming. All of a sudden, it got quiet and then my phone rang. My mom picked it up. I could see her through the window. Then I saw in her eyes. They started to water. She dropped to her knees and started to say, “Why, Why?” I ran in the house to see what was wrong. I dropped to my knees and held my mom in my arms and asked what was wrong. She said, “He’s gone.” “Who,” I asked. She said grandpa is dead. Tears started to fill my eyes as well. I ran outside and fell to the ground saying, “Why God? Why us?” If I could take back one moment, it would be my grandpa’s death.