Writing Exchange I 06-07

Journal #1
As I sat and smoked a cig, I began to think about my life. I used to just sit and smoke my stupid old dope and drink. I didn’t care about anybody. All I really said was, “I hate my life.” I told my Mom, “****, you don’t care about me. If you did, you wouldn’t have kicked me out and if you really did care or even love me, I wouldn’t have gone out that night and tried dope and ran away.” I only asked you to show me some attention and throw some kind of love at me and not just out the door.I used to sit and cry myself to sleep and still do to this day thinking what a piece of **** I really am. I know I was supposed to stay on the writing topics. I only sit and say **** this, it’s way too hard. I can’t relate.
Journal #2
Lately I really haven’t had a family. It seems like no one really wants me around. For a while I was living with my dad and his wife. It was going all right until I got locked up. He didn’t want to have anything to do with me after that. So after he kicked me out I was on the street for about a month when my mom asked me to live with her. I told her I would, but when I got there she had a new boyfriend. I hated him and we were always fighting and he never treated my mom right, so I left.After that I went to live with my cousin. It was going good for a couple of months until he decided he didn’t want to take care of another kid, so he told my probation officer that I was out of control to get rid of me. They put me back in juvenile hall for three weeks and decided to place me with my mom again. That’s where I am now, but I doubt it will last long.
Journal #3I just don’t know what to write about. I have too much going through my head to clearly think about anything except my mom. I just need to get my mind off of things. I know I should write more but it may depend on how I am feeling that day. I just haven’t heard of what’s going on with my mom much. I now am sure she is in prison. I also know hat my mom’s husband is going to prison for 12 years because of voluntary manslaughter. I know things in my life may have been bad, but that is all I can think about now. I am also worried about my aunt that is as far as I know still in the hospital because of a stroke or something. I try hard not to think about the bad things, hell I have even tried drugs to get my mind off them. I know that they don’t help so I quit. I have talked to my dad, one of my teachers, and a lot of others, but I just can’t seem to get over it.
Journal #4One day, just any other day, I was at school and was hella bored. We met at lunch and decided to ditch 5th period. When lunch was over we just stayed in the bathroom until we couldn’t hear a sound. We were on our way off campus when we saw this boy we didn’t like and started beating the **** out of him. After we finished we walked in the locker room and started busting open all the lockers. We stole hella ****.When we were leaving campus once again we saw one of our friends. We gave her a shirt we had stolen a few minutes before. The next day we saw our friend wearing the shirt we had given to her the previous day. We told her to go change into her gym shirt.Just as we walked into the gym, we saw women police officers asking questions. Then a girl said, “Hey, that’s my shirt!” All three of us started to run out of the locker room. As we were almost all the way out a male officer stood right in front of us. We all just said, “Oh ****, we’re busted.” I remember thinking, 13 years old and already on probation.
Journal #5First and foremost, I love my family with all my heart. Even though I do not really know my father or my brother, I still love them. Oh ****, I shouldn’t have even said “father.” I don’t know what to call him. All I know is his name, that he used to steal cars and he had his own chop shop. What a dumb ***. I don’t even trip on not having a father though because I know that when I become a father I will not do that. I will be the best dad ever. At least that’s what I think. My experiences will make me a better and stronger person and father in the future.….Being locked up is not fun. It sucks. I just got out. It feels wonderful. My PO said that if I get locked up again I will go to a group home. That is one of the reasons I am not going back. My annual review is on June 5th, 2007 to see if I get off probation or not. All I have to do is not smoke weed and do good in school and just do good period. I will make it, just watch and see.
Journal #6
I am a gangster. My life is dangerous almost every day. I get into fights, get jumped and even get shot at, but all that doesn’t mean **** to me. The only thing that I care about is my family. I tried really hard to change my ways, but whatever I do, it comes back to me. Sometimes I think about just moving out of Butte County and going somewhere else. Gangs are just a waste. People are getting killed or killing others or going to prison for a long time.