07-08 Writing Exchange II

Journal #11
“Dreams and dedications are a powerful combination.”
Dreams and dedications. Dreaming is pretty much all I can do anymore. My mom has been living in a little *** trailer for the last three years and all of her boyfriends end up moving in. The all seem to be the same. At the beginning they tell you your gonna get all these nice things and that we are gonna move soon. I guess somewhere along the line they change their mind.There are two things I see almost every night: my step dad drinking and my step dad yelling at my mom. I don’t know why mom lets him stay. She says she loves him, but I don’t see much to love. I’ve asked her before to tell me the real reason he stays. She told me she is afraid of being alone. I don’t like to see my mom cry, but there’s usually nothing I can do about it.Mom told me things are looking up because she got a letter from section 8, but I don’t believe her.

Journal #12
Why does all this have to happen to me? Every day, every night, something new happens and it seems that the problems are getting worse and worse. Just this past weekend, I had too many problems. It gave me a headache. I lost another close friend. He left to Sacramento and I won’t be able to see him again. Every time I’m around them I feel so protected to the point nobody can touch me. I don’t know why. Do I feel protected because of the guns? Or because they can fight?I wish my sister would have felt protected like I was when one of my relatives touched her in a way they shouldn’t have. Now I have to see my mom cry every night and blame herself for what my uncle did. I get so upset when I see or hear my mom suffer because I feel like I can’t help her and on Saturday night when another of my siblings left to a party with her friend, she didn’t come home until 12AM. Again, I had to hear my mom cry. She had thoughts of my sister getting raped or kidnapped or even that she was dead.My sister didn’t call my mom to check in and when she came home the first thing she did was yell at my mom. That is when it made me realize what I use to do to my mom when I went out to parties. I too contributed to her pain. The thing I’m afraid of is seeing my sister fall in the same footsteps as me. I don’t want to see her on the edge of being on probation, a gang member, and a bad kid, but she doesn’t see or notice that I’m trying to change to the young lady my mom would have wished me to be.I want everyone to notice the real me: the loving, caring, sweet girl I am. But all they see is the gang affiliated person. Man I remember when I was proud of people calling me a gang member but now I am only ashamed. I’m tired of it. It was part of my life I want to put in the past, but I can’t do it by myself. I hope my family and friends notice that.

Journal #13
In the past of it all there was a fog of no regret.The haze of a light starving the dark night breeze.The sound of someone trying to find a warm place to sleep.The far away cry of a little girls scream after getting hit by her abusive father.The echo of a firetruck rushing to a call.Because of four stupid crack kids trying to cook dopeBut at the end of it allThe past of it is a haze.A fog.In the night, the dense sound of the late, late breezy dark.

Journal # 14
Day 1 San Francisco:Today was our first day in San Francisco. I thought that it was pretty cool. I’m happy that I got this opportunity to go. It is a great experience and there is good food. I love it. I still miss my family and my girlfriend. I’m gonna make this the best field trip ever.Day 2 San Francisco:Today was one of the funnest days of my life. I figured out that you don’t need drugs and alcohol to have fun. All you need is friends and somewhere to go. Things are so different everywhere you go: the people, the houses, and the ocean.Day 3 San Francisco:Today is the last day of our trip. Alcatraz was ‘hella’ fun and my peers were really funny and cool. I can’t wait for the next trip. We’re on our way home and I can’t wait to get there to see my girl and to go to sleep.

Journal #15
“Emancipate yourself from mental slavery; none but ourselves can free our minds.”
My girlfriend is 2 months pregnant. I was looking for a job but when I found out she was pregnant, reality kicked in and now I need a job to support my family. There is a lot going through my head right now, but being scared is not one of them. Actually, I’m kind of excited and so is she. Everyone keeps telling me that my life is over, but I don’t happen to think this is so. Both of our parents love babies and they are OK with the fact that they are going to be grandmas.

Journal #16
My life is going OK right now. My mom and I have our own place now. We haven’t had our own place in like two years. We have just been living with friends. We rented a room from one of them, so we have had our own place for about two months. This is a really big thing for us. I am so glad. My mom is doing great. She’s still clean. I’m kind of sad that I won’t be getting anything for Christmas because we don’t have the money right now. My mom is paying old debts and things. Other than that, life is OK right now.

Journal #17
Tuesday, December 4th. After a lot of fundraising and busting my *** to do all my work, and getting my act together, we finally left for our school trip to San Francisco. I’ve been really excited about this trip ever since I heard about it. I have never been to the city or to the ocean. It feels really weird; I used to be a real trouble maker. I used to be a real sicko kid that was violent and I even tried killing a few people. Now I’m a straight “A” student. I’m going on trips with my school and I even got an award for perfect attendance and most improved behavior. It just goes to show you that it is a better way of life. Not long ago, if somebody tried to tell me that, I would have simply said, **** you, but now I realize it is the truth………
It has been almost a week since we got back from our adventure trip to San Francisco. I really enjoyed it. I heard for the next trip we’re going to Monterey. I’ve never been there but some of my friends have and they say it’s really cool. So I am really excited about this next trip. I’m going to do everything in my power to go. When I thought about being with teachers for three days straight, I said, “This is going to be a ******* disaster,” but I was wrong. I got to know some of my peers better and build a better relationship with my teachers. It turns out they’re pretty cool.

Journal #18Some say death is painfulI say death is blissThe sad and the weakAwait the dark angels kiss100% of people dieThe strong praise GodAnd fight the devil’s facade.Shot’s fired in a room of darknessHit benevolent people that glow like a lighter that’s sparked too quickAncestors would take the crack of a whipNow on the corners it’s the crack they hitI weep for fallen friendsMy smiles and kind gestures are all pretendI sit up late with one question for the windWhen will this chaos finally end?

Journal #19
“An eye for an eye will leave everyone blind.”
I like this quote because it’s true. Even now I admit it’s true. I don’t abide by it. Don’t ask me why, I just don’t think before I act and because I can’t control my anger. Once someone does something to me and I get mad, the first thing I think of is how I’m gonna get them back. I hate it when that is the first and only thing I think about when I am angry.If I didn’t get mad like I do or if I was able to think before I act, I would be at a regular school, not on probation, not on EMP, and most of all I would have my own life and freedom. I’m sick of having to share my life with a bracelet, a probation officer, the hall staff, this school, and random searches. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with it. I’m sick of it. I tried anger management and counseling, but it doesn’t seem to work cause my anger gets me into most of my trouble. I just explode. You can ask all the teachers at North County. When I get mad, I explode and I hate it cause I usually take it out on people that didn’t do anything to me.I always think when I go to the hall that it is my last time in there, but to tell you the truth, it’s a lie. I wish it was the truth, but it’s not. People always tell me it’s not hard to stop, but it is. TROUBLE to me is like a cigarette to others or alcohol. It is an addicting drug. Then again, weed was a drug I was able to quit. It was hard, but I did it so I can’t say I can’t quit, but to tell you the truth, I’m not ready to. When it comes down to it, I say I’ll quit, but I have to realize I most likely will not.

Journal #20
My life has been hard at times. Actually life has been really hard and great at other times. There were times I didn’t know how I was gonna get throught it, but by the grace of God and with my families support, I did. I thank god I did. I once had everything a kid could want: dirt bikes, video games, and a mom. At one point in time drug addiction took all that from me. My mom died last year and still every time I think about her or her smile she is still part of my life. I could be completely pissed off and after a few seconds of talking to her, I felt happy again. She died chasing our dog across the street when some guy on a suspended license hit her. The cops didn’t even give him a ticket.

Journal #21
After I had read this quote from Mark Twain, I thought that he really had no idea what he was saying. I don’t know much about this man nor do I know what has happened to him in his life, but I do know from my life that great people still belittle you without even knowing it. He say’s to stay away from people that do this, but you can’t always keep away from them because they’re all around you: in your school, on the street, or in a store, even on TV. So I would like to have had a word with Mr. Twain to point out how this whole world will help belittle you and not even know. I also wonder if he grew up on the same planet as I did because if he did, I’m positive he would have something different written for this quote.