Writing Exchange IV 06-07

Writing Exchange IVJanuary 8, 2007
Journal #21
I remember back in the days when my brothers and I used to be close. As we got a lot older life was so messed up and we began to grow even closer and we saw that we only had each other.I remember when I first went to Juvenile Hall. I was 12 years old. As the years grew, I became a wild child and didn’t care about much of anything.I remember the nightmare. I’m in a very dark room and smoking dope and my thoughts are all messed up. Suddenly I see this man with a cape on and he looks at me and says, “I’m your life.” I hit him with a left right left and another right. Damn, who is this guy? It is the Grim Reaper. This **** is getting much deeper.I miss being a little girl. I wish I never got into any kind of trouble because from the first time I did, I haven’t been the same since. What happened to me and my family doing fun stuff? It seems like I can’t depend on anyone else anymore. I trust no one except my 3 brothers and my mother. I don’t even trust my dad. He has never been there for me or my brothers.
Journal #22
Sometimes I think about my life and I ask myself how my life is going to be. Is it going to be another bloody day or another day behind bars? What is it going to be like? I know that there are a lot of people that say they love me, but every time I need them to be there for me, they disappear. I am not getting any love other than from my older brother. With all the pain that I have been through, he is the only one who could feel my pain because he has the same pain. He is behind bars right now. I know life is hard, but you just have to deal with the life that you were given by your mom and dad.Have you ever felt like you’re alone? By yourself, do you cry so many times for somebody to come and help you, but no one is there to help? What am I supposed to do without any love? I guess life is a living hell for me right now and I just have to live with it.
Journal #23I remember when I was five and we were moving and my sister was crying. My dad was telling her everything would be OK. I remember when the cops came and took my mom and my sister threw me down on the ground. I remember most recently when the cops raided my house again and took my dad, mom, niece, and nephew. My life sucks right now. I look forward to my dad getting out on the 20th and my mom on the 21st.
Journal #24
I remember drinking with my friends and kicking it all night.I remember staying up until the sun rose and going to school once every month.I remember tripping out and spending all my money on drugs just to get a good high and coming down and realizing that I had just spent all my money and didn’t even have a quarter left and nothing to show for it.I remember parties every night, hangovers, stomach aches, and regrets.I remember a life that took away my innocenceand childhood.I remember a life that decreased my chances of graduating and going on to college.I remember that this was my past and that now it is behind me. I’m over it and I can start over and just keep these things as things I remember and not things that I am living with in the present.
Journal #25
I’m doing OK, but I’ve been better. I have still been depressed. My dad’s wife broke up with him. Now it sounds like he is doing good, but the little I know my dad, he’s probably on drugs. My brother and I are both bi-polar and we’re both on meds. Although they don’t seem to work to well as we are fighting every day. My step dad pays little attention to me and my whole brother but more than enough attention to his son.The last four guys I went out with, I thought could be the one. They each cheated on me and made me feel like ****. I’m just trying to find the right one to fill my heart. I realize that my dad not being in my life makes me want a boyfriend even more. I hold in my emotion all throughout the day. When I feel like exploding I show a smile on my face. I try to stay up when my world is falling down. I try to smile instead of showing my frown.
Journal #26
I was an angry kid.I remember my mom dying.I heard someone talk about a deathI saw the death.I thought I was never going to make it in lifeI am an angry teen.I think the world is messed up.I need to go to college. I need to graduate from high school.I try being good.I feel trapped inside myself.I forgive that one girl in the back of my head.I will be a happy personI choose a good lifeI dream that I will be successfulI hope I don’t go to prisonI predict I will be successfulI know I will make my life good.I will change.
Journal #27
Since I am a Mexican girl, people labeled me as being someone who would get pregnant by 15 or 16 and I was going to be a **** up. When I went to my last school, a teacher just by knowing my last name said they knew I was going to be another gang member and trouble maker in their school. They also thought I was going to end up on probation and in the hall. Now that I am here, they think that what they thought of me is true.One day I went to my old school to visit and they asked if I had already become another **** up for my family. I said, “NO!” I’m not on probation and I never will step a foot in the hall. I’m not pregnant. Yes, I am a gang member, but I don’t know if that is a choice. To quit gangs…my life is on the line both ways, in or out of gangs. I would like to break what people have predicted for me. It’s on everything that I will prove them wrong!