Writing Exchange VII 06-07

WRITING EXCHANGE VIIFEBRUARY 20, 2007
Journal #54
If you really knew me, you would know that I have lived a hard life and a terrible childhood.If you really knew me you would know that my Mom and Dad mean the world to me and I would do anything for them.If you really knew me you would know that my Mom was barely ever there and that pushed my Dad away. My Mom and Dad divorced when I was 9.If you really knew me you would know that my parents were together for 9 years and the first 6 were great and the rest were fake.If you really knew me you would know that I never knew my biological Dad, but the one who I call “Dad” has been there since I was born and that he is my hero. He is the only person I can call “Dad.”If you really knew me you would know that I lived a life without my Mom for 2 years and she wasn’t out doing drugs. She was in prison and that was the worst feeling ever to be without a parent for two years.If you really knew me you would know that I don’t take any ****.
Last night was one of the worst nights I have had in a long time. My Mom and I got into a fight and she said that she would never kick me out and that is exactly what she did. She left me out in the cold and now I stay with my grandparents, but I don’t want to live with them. I want to be with my Mom. I was without her for two years and I don’t want to lose her again. This now is all because of drug use.
Journal #55
If you really knew meyou wouldn’t call me a whore.If you really knew me you would knownot to get involved.If our really knew me you would know that birth markon my chest is really a scar.If you really knew me you wouldn’t bring up the past.If you really knew me you would let go of your graspIf you really knew me there would be no need to ask
Journal #56
If you really knew me, you would know that I was in foster care at seven years old and I never want to go back. It was the worst place in the world: eight long *** months without my mother. I went to three different placements. The first one was horrible. There were three kids there. The biological daughter was very mean to me and my sibling. I never got to see my mom, so I ran away. They got me again and switched us to another foster parent. She made us clean everything. Next we went to another home for six months. It was really bad there. The oldest son was 16 years old. He was smoking pot in the house right next to our room. The foster mother made my brother sleep on the bathroom floor. After a long time we were able to go home with our mom. I will never go back to a placement again.
Journal #57
If you really knew me you would know that I am not very bright. You would know I have messed up a lot in my life making bad choices and a few good ones. If you really knew me you would know I’m very bad tempered when it comes down to it. If you really knew me you would know I really like music and that music is a very big thing in my life. It helps me control my feelings. If you really knew me you would know I have never stabbed someone in the back or betrayed someone.If you really knew me, you would know that I’m not all about gangbanging and that I really don’t care what they say about it. They think I do because of my family member. If you really knew me you would know I’m a caring person and that I don’t like to pick on other people because it makes me feel low. If you really knew me you would know I like to rap. I like making rhymes and beats. If you really knew me you would know that I don’t give a **** what you have to say about me that has to do with gangs or others.
Journal #58
If you really knew me you would know that I don’t give most people the chance to get to know my true self. If you really knew me you would know just by watching me that I am a calm, nice person. In reality on the inside, I’m confused, sad, and calling out for help. If you really knew me you would know that I do not fit in with my peers at school. If you really knew me you would know that if I could start my life over I would, just to take back all the time I spent doing drugs and messing up my life. If you really knew me you would know that I love too much. If you really knew me you would know that I love to jog when I’m frustrated. If you really knew me you would know that my favorite food in the world is chocolate. If you really knew me you would know that I hold back my feelings because of fear I will be hurt.
Journal #59
Well, it seems like I have nothing left in life to look forward to. My life is falling apart. I ran away because I am not getting along with my family. I relapsed and I used drugs once again. I tried to tell people but not in words that you can hear. I turned myself in for only one reason: I had nowhere to go and it’s not that easy to stay gone if you have no place to live.I am so scared because I have court very soon. I hope I don’t get locked up once again. The second day I was back at school seemed like most people were talking **** about me. I got so mad I started to cry, so I decided to leave. I was going to go get stoned or maybe drink a little, but I just went home instead. It seems like I have no friends. If I did, they would have my back, but not one person seemed to have my back.If you really knew me you would know that I have no friends and I have been raped, used, abused, and hurt one too many times. I am not going to take it anymore. If you really knew me you would know that I have no one to talk to and I wish I did.
Journal #60
If you really knew me you would know that I hate rich people.If you really knew me you would know that when I see my Dad, I will beat the **** out of him.If you really knew me you would know I hate fake people.If you really knew me you would know I am in love.If you really knew me you would know I am a very sensitive and loving person.If you really knew me you would know I want to have at least five kids and all of them will love and respect me.If you really knew me you would know I have a lot of unfinished business.
Journal #61
Yesterday I felt bad when a kid at school called me a slut. I acted like it didn’t bother me, but after a while it hit me. He doesn’t have a right to call me this when he doesn’t even know me. He doesn’t even know who I have been with.We went to see the Freedom Writer’s Diary with school and that was when it hit me even harder. I felt alone and like ****. He had hurt me emotionally. That’s when I realized I had a true friend. I was crying and she took me to the bathroom so I could calm down. She told me it was going to be alright and not to listen to what he had said.Now I feel even worse. I really don’t like when people don’t talk to me because they are upset. It makes me feel like a bad person. I hope he can forgive me. I was harsh in my reply I know. I think I lost a homeboy.
Journal #62
I thought EMP was not going to be so bad until it happened. Not only Juvi, but EMP ***** up relations between you and your loved ones. It felt great to be out of the hall the first 30 days of my 90 on EMP. Now **** is really starting to happen. The cutting thing is really starting to look good and then I got back to thinking about the hall. I shift once more and focus on the 60 days that’s left.
Journal #63
If you really knew me you would know that I am struggling with staying clean: not only from Meth, but from everything else. If you really know me you would know that I’m also struggling to stay out of Juvi and struggling to beat the odds and complete EMP. If you really knew me you would know that I know I am going to make it in life, NO MATTER WHAT!