07-08 Writing Exchange V

Journal #48
If you really knew me you would know I blew my chance of being who I wanted to be,
I’ve created a new image;
that is a reflex to me,
It is filled with violence and poverty,
Being a leader and not following,
Taking my own path,
Causing my own wrath,
If you really knew me you would know I try to do right but always do the wrongs.
Try to do good but always proceed to the bad,
Locked in a cell just like my Dad,
If you really knew me you would know I hustle for money to get my dough
If you really knew me you would know this isn’t the path that I wanted to go,
If you really knew me you would know my dreams have all been blown
If you really knew me you would know I continue for reasons that I don’t know
filled with doubt, fake hope.

Journal #49
If you really knew me you would know that I have been through so much. You would know I have been abused physically and mentally. If you really knew me you would know that I have been in a gang ever since I was 14 years old and that I have lost family members threw being a gang member. I you really knew me you would know how hard it is being a new kid in town. If you really knew me you would know how it feels to not look into your mother’s eyes anymore and tell her how much you love her.

Journal #50
If you really knew me you would know I have been through a lot. My mother has been an addict my whole life. My real father raped and beat my sister. If you really knew me you would know I am addicted to a razor blade: seeing the ruby liquid oozing from my body. If you really knew me you would know I found the love of my life, but that’s been a struggle. If you really knew me you would know I lost the child I was bearing and lost a part of me. If you really knew me you wouldn’t question my attitude, but no one really knows me.

Journal #51
Lately I’ve been feeling all down and depressed. It’s not that lowest point I have had in my life, but ***** not going the way I want it to. My boyfriends locked up. As is, I am not good at relationships and being away from him is hard. Sometimes I don’t know what to do. My family is chaotic. As usual, my younger sister and I fight constantly. My best friend is getting on my nerves. It always seems to happen that I’ll have a best friend for 3-5 months and then we start to have problems. Well, I don’t want that to happen to us, but that is how it seems to be going. Like I said, I have major relationship problems. It’s hard cause I think I was never shown good examples of relationships. There seems to be issues with boyfriends, friends, family, or whoever. It just seems like I’ll never be able to have real relationships. Life goes on. I’ll be OK either way.

Journal #52
If you really knew me you would know that I’m a straight up guy. I don’t like to be ****** with and I try to be honest. If you really knew me you would know once I get the ball, you’re at my mercy. If you really knew me, you would know that I would rather shoot a jump shot than take a hit of weed or play a basketball game than smoke a blunt. If you really knew me you would know that I’m going to make it.

Journal #53
If you really knew me you would know I hide my pain with anger with a smile.
If you really knew me you would know I had a ****** up childhood.
If you really knew me you would know I’m afraid of my dad.
If you really knew me you would know my deepest dark secret has been held since I was eight.
If you really knew me you would know that I hated Saturdays when my mom went to work.
If you really knew me you would know why I hate giving hugs to men.
If you really knew me you would know how protective I am towards my little sister.
If you really knew me you would know that I’m scared of my mom’s past boyfriend.
If you really knew me you would know that it’s my fault why my mom isn’t happy.
If you really knew me you would know I blame myself for everything that went wrong when I was a kid.
If you really knew me you would know that me writing this is a huge step for me that I was willing to take.
I just wish you really did know me.