Writinge Exchange X 06-07

Journal # 87
I fear that I will turn into a piece of **** like my father: always in and out of prison. He has never been there for me or my mother because he was always too ****** up. I thought I would never mess up like him but over the last year I have been put in the “Hall” four times and it seems to me like I am hopeless. I remember when I was about 2 years old I witnessed my dad stab my mom in the leg because he was drunk. I remember when he came home drunk and threw me across the room just because I was crying when he and my mom were fighting.When they got a divorce he went and married another woman and they had a baby girl together. Once again, he came home drunk and ended up breaking four of her ribs and one of her legs. He got arrested for that and then when he got out I saw him for the first time in like eight years. He tried acting like nothing ever happened but I told him to go **** himself and to leave me alone. The last time I heard about him he was locked up for coming home drunk and beating his new wife with a bat.
Journal #88
It has been two weeks since my Grandma died and I still can’t stop crying. My homies tell me I am a ***** for crying. Now I know what kind of homeboys I have. **** that. I cry when I need to or want to.You may think you have good homeboys but you don’t. They’re your homeboys when your doing good, but when you get sick or locked up, they are not there. Now that I am 16 years old, I realize that. I’m trying to stay away from my “homies,” as much as I can. I got a job and I am hanging at my brothers to just stay away from the streets.People say that when you die you can’t take everything, but it’s not true. People take love, memories, and sentimental things with them. I know my Grandma took all of those things and I kept them too. I will always remember the times I had with her. RIP
ournal #89
Now that I am off EMP, it is hard for me to stay clean. I seem to have jumped back to my old ways. Lately, I have been getting high and it is bad. I’m about to get off probation. I must just work so that my time is spent productively. I feel myself slipping but I won’t let myself fall. If that happened I would be back at square one and that is somewhere I don’t want to be. This scares me.
Journal #90
Do you feel big and bad? Do you feel strong and mighty? Does it make you macho? Is that what goes through your blown out mind? Are you trashed and **** faced when it goes down? Do you feel like a man when you handle her around? Does it give you pleasure or confidence? Is it a funny situation for your drunk ***? Do her victimized tears satisfy your thirst for power? Do her screams make you happy inside? Hitting and screaming, fighting and running, pleasure and pain, tears of satisfaction with that grin on your face. Taking advantage of life so you have the pleasure of fighting another day.
Journal #91
The last couple of weekends I have been messed up with some drugs, alcohol, and boys. I didn’t know what I was doing. I know it wasn’t that serious because if it was I think I would remember. I’m trying to put bits and pieces together from what people are telling me and what I kind of recall.The guy thinks I am getting him for rape because the school found out and he thinks I said something, but I liked him. Why would I get him in trouble? Girls want to fight me and guys don’t want anything to do with me, but everything happens for a reason. What God decides to do is for a good reason.
Journal #92
I want my old life back. I feel so lost inside because I need my family back. I wish everything was like how it used to be. I am only 16 and it feels like I am so much older because I always have to do it on my own. I dream every night that when I wake up it won’t be like yesterday. I want to get revenge. I just need to stay calm but I wish this never happened. I am strong. Every night, I dream tomorrow will be better. I love myself, so I need to control my temper.
Journal #93
I want my hair backI want to be the only one on this Godforsaken planetI want food
I need money for foodI need a car to get around inI need a life!
I wish I had everything I wrote downI wish I could start life overI wish I could go big places
I am a potheadI am me
I dream of genie, ha haI dream of another lifeI dream of money
I love youI love meI love everyone.
Journal #94
I want to get away from the environment I am inI want to get off probation and live my life the way I want.I want to get away from myself, but obviously I can’tI need to get away from my idiot parentsI need for all the drama in my life to stop before I go crazyI need sanityI fear nothingI hope I can get out of this country and start my life overI hope I don’t lose control before I can get awayI hope my friends will understand why I have to leave
Journal #95
Another shoutAnd I am still
The loud guffawsAre peeling outAgainst my will
The laughter mocksMy stoic lawsA wisp of doubtI swiftly kill
A booming voiceConfusion stalksAnd sinks its clawsRight through my stoutUnbending will
I’ve made my choiceAnd though the soundAnd fury drownCool reasons voiceI hear the shoutAnd I am still
Journal #96
Our trip to Sacramento was a very cool experience for me. It had me thinking about how I am lucky to be in this school and also how I don’t regret my mistakes. To learn from mistakes, you have to make them first. This trip has helped me to realize that I have a second chance to restart my life and not to make the same mistakes that will put me in bad situations.When we went out to dinner with Ms. G (Erin Gruwell), it was very cool. I mean, we both learned new things. She learned more about juveniles in a court school and I learned that the harder teachers push you to do good, the more they care about you to have a good education.I am so glad I met Ms. G. She is a very energetic person and she seems like someone that won’t give up on anyone, no matter how stubborn they are. This trip gave me more strength to try to change my ways. Prior to this overnight trip to Sacramento, I thought I would never change and I might have to rethink this now.So, Scott and Ms. Abel, thanks for doing this for us. The only thing that would have been better is if the whole school could have seen what us 6 students got to see, feel, and experience. Once again, thank you!
Journal # 97
Thursday, May 17th, we left school at 12:30 and headed to Sacramento. When we got to Sac, we checked into the hostel and waited there until about 4:30 and then walked to the VIP pre party, where we met Erin Gruwell, the great co-author of the Freedom Writer’s and a great teacher she is.I really enjoyed all of what we did. I especially enjoyed the show at the theater when there were a panel of students speaking with Erin. I could relate to Eduardo, the Mexican kid. I feel that I can relate to him because my Mom and three of my brothers have been in and out of jail and prison and my mom is a recovering addict. Two of my brothers are users and I worry about them every day. I worry about a bad deal going down and that they may get hurt or that if they were fiending they may do something stupid and get locked up again.I try to tell them that it hurts me to know they are doing that ****. They need to realize that getting high is not getting them anywhere in life. I can’t believe the stress and the lives ruined from a drug. I hate crystal meth. I call it the Meth Monster and that is what it is, a monster destroying lives.
Journal # 98
One week before our field trip to Sacramento, we had a car wash to raise money. We washed a lot of cars and sold ice cream sandwiches. We made $228 and our principal matched all the money we made so that gave us $456 for our trip. Then, on Thursday, May 17th, we went to Sacramento. The ride there was pretty quiet and wasn’t that fun, but when we got there, it was so fun.We checked into the hostel at like 2:15 or 2:30. We got to our room and freshened up. Next we headed to the VIP banquet for the Center for Youth Citizenship conference, and that is where we met Erin Gruwell and her assistant, Naja. We talked and they repeatedly told me they liked my smile. We then went to the Crest Theater and heard Erin speak. There were so many people there and some were rather annoying sitting around us.After the speech, we waited for Erin to go out to dinner. While we were waiting, my peer and I got interviewed by Channel 10 news. We also met Larry and Marc, who are making a documentary about the Freedom Writers. We ate at PF Changs and it was so much fun. I sat at the end of the table with all of the adults: right next to Erin and Marc. We all had a really good conversation. I got to know them better because they were the only ones near me to talk to. We ate dinner and went back to the hostel.Erin, Naja, Marc, and Larry, came to the hostel with us and said their goodbyes. The other students and I then stayed in the living room of the Sacramento Hostel and hung out until one in the morning when we had to go back to our rooms. Another peer and I stayed up in our rooms until like three in the morning and then we finally went to sleep and got up at like seven in the morning to take a shower. We got on the computer to watch the News 10 clip and then we went out to breakfast at this place called Jim Denny’s. Their food was so good and the pancakes were bigger than the plate and about two inches thick! One of my peers almost finished his.We took lots of pictures and we really got to know each other better than we did before the trip. After we ate, we went to the capital building and then were on our way back to school. Again, it was a very quiet drive.

Journal #100
Last night and today have been one of the greatest days that I have had in a long time. I was with my peers, teacher, and principal. We went to meet the teacher, Ms. Gruwell. She was one of the nicest ladies you could ever meet. She was so full of energy and life. We arrived in Sacramento at like 2:30 and arrived at this big house that looked like the Bidwell Mansion: the Sacramento Hostel. It almost seemed creepy at first.We went to this VIP party for the Center for Youth Citizenship conference. It was quite fancy and this is where we met the radiant Erin Gruwell for the first time. She was not shy at all. She just walked straight up to each of us and hugged us like she had known us our whole lives or as if we were family.Later that night, we went out to dinner with Erin. It was wonderful. We ate so much. It was great even though it was freezing cold. Just as the night started to end, we all said our goodbyes at around 12 AM.I have to admit, it was kind of weird staying there with our principal, Karen, and teacher, Scott, but I would have to say that this was one of the best trips I have ever been on.

R.I.P
IT MIGHT HURT TO THINK ABOUT IT
NO ONE WILL REPLACELOVE IN OUR HEATS FOR U
OVER AND OVER AGAIN WE PRAY
VERY SOON ILL BE WITH U
IN TIME NOW I’LL STILL CARRY U N MY HEART UNTIL I’MG ONE AND WITH U
ME, I THINK OF U EVERY DAY MORE THAN ANYONE THINKS
I REMEMBER WHEN WE KICKED IT ALL THE TIME
YEAH IT HURTS TO C U LEAVE BUT SOON I’LL BE UP THERE DON’T WORRY