Writing Exchange VIII 06-07

Writing Exchange VIIIMarch 16, 2007
Journal #64
Between school and work my life’s crazy. I wake up early every morning to ride the bus across town to go to school. It’s a big hassle to end up arguing and pissed off at the immaturity of the people around me.Then there’s work. It sucks. My managers not one of those people you really want to be around. On top of that people are rude and blame me for their problems, like I’m the reason their orders are ****** up.All that people seem to worry about is their clothes and shoes, asking me, “Why don’t you get new shoes?” blah blah blah. Why, because I don’t just get stuff handed to me on a silver platter. Everything I own, I’ve bought. I pay for everything myself. My mom doesn’t buy me stuff. Making $7.50 an hour isn’t cutting it. I’d make more money illegally!
Journal #65
My inspiration in life would have to be my friends and family even though I believe I won’t achieve. They keep telling me I will and that I am better off than what I think I am. Regardless, I keep thinking otherwise. If I didn’t have people that cared, I think I’d be down hill right now, not knowing what to do with my life. I’d probably still be doing drugs.My ex-boyfriend is also my inspiration. He made me see how life really is and how guys are liars and deceivers. I still care for him, but hate him at the same time. Sometimes I think that if I never met him my life would be better.
Journal#66
Dear Friend
I never thought that you would beThe one I hate so viciouslyBut now I know we couldn’t beTogether anyway
It’s not that you or I have changedJust our eyes were rearrangedAnd though our hearts will lie estrangedWe’ll never walk away
I see you, no you can not hideI also see a great divideFrom how you first addressed my eyesI saw you first today
Now the great charade is doneNow a gruesome battle wonBut is it victory when the sunSets low on hearts todayYou know we’ll never walk away
Journal #67
As I was on my way to school today I was thinking, if I keep up the good work I will be out of here soon. I am trying my hardest here everyday but I’m getting burnt out prettyquick. Sometimes I feel like jumping off a cliff. Sometimes there is not **** to do but sitat home all day long. I decided to go to the SK8 park to ride, catch some air, and grind some coping.
Journal #68
An event in my life that changed me is my dad passing away. It not only changed me and my life, it changed my whole family’s lives. He was there for all of us and now he’s just gone. I realize that my brothers, mom, and I could be here one day and gone the next. That scares me. I didn’t really realize this until my dad passed away. I want to graduate and go to college and make my father proud.
Journal #69
Damn. Something that changed me was when my father moved out and that’s when everything went to ****. Everything wasn’t the same without him. We started getting in trouble and changing who we were supposed to be. We went from school staff to police officers. This sucked at the time, knowing I would be in trouble when I should know what’s right from wrong. I didn’t understand why I was turning out like that.My dad has been coming over with us every time he gets a minute to spend, so it’s all good anyway. It’s all good with everybody in my family even though we wish that soon he will come back to live with us. That is when everything will change and be right, but he’s looking for answers that none of us have the answers to. Someday he’ll understand and that will set him right: to know that we all care about him and there is nothing we’re hiding from him. There is no way I could hide **** from him. He’s my dad!
Journal #70
A lot of things in my life changed me. Some of them were bad and some of them were worse and all of these events changed who I am and who I will become. They changed who I can trust and who I can’t. I think everything that happens to you in life is something you can learn from, even if it is bad. Sometimes you’re too young to even realize what is happening to you and it isn’t your fault.
Journal #71
I feel so sick inside. I’m tired and I don’t feel good but yet I’m still here. I don’t know why, but something draws me back day after day. Maybe I am meant to have an education. I don’t know why. Today will be one of the days where I’m not very social or focused. My peers get on my nerves so bad. Have you ever had the feeling that you’re not meant to be where you are? I feel like that every day: out of place. Life is funny how it works sometimes.
Journal #72
Just a few days ago my dad died in a car accident. It was so ******* hard and I couldn’t take it. I have had the worst time of my life. All I could do is think about him and all of my memories came back. This made me feel even worse and made me feel like I have lost a piece of me and I can’t seem to fill that emptiness in my heart. The last thing I need is people talking badly about my dad; I was on the internet and there were comments on the web page that said he deserved to die. **** all those people. They don’t even know **** about him so they need to mind their own business.On Friday, I went to his viewing and it was really, really hard. I couldn’t stand it in the funeral home and then my friend was walking up to his body with me and all I saw were his eyes. Then I couldn’t go any further. I just dropped to my knees.I got really angry because there was a person there that didn’t even know my dad and this person went up to the mic and started talking about how they loved my dad and ****. I didn’t appreciate her being there and making a big scene.On Saturday was the funeral and his son was there. He is only four years old and doesn’t understand that his dad is dead. When it finally seemed like he understood, we went to his aunts and they hadn’t played the messages in a while. They played it and there was a message from my dad to his son and then he said, “See, I told you my daddy ain’t dead. I want to talk to him now.” He didn’t believe that in the coffin was his daddy until the funeral. He put a flower on the coffin and started crying and said, “I love you daddy.” When they were lowering him into the ground I couldn’t stop crying and then I heard his son screaming and my heart dropped to the ground.I feel that I don’t have the strength to pick it up and move on yet. I think about my dad every day and I cry because of all the memories I have of him and my brother and I. I love my dad so much more than life and I know that he knows that because I told him many, many times. I love you dad.
Journal #73
Friday night I got really drunk because there was a lot of **** going on in my life. I was calling my sister for about an hour and then she showed up out of nowhere at my house. I haven’t seen her in about two months. It made my whole night and I wasn’t mad anymore. I was still “hella faded and stupid high,” but I still remember.
Journal #74
If you knew me you would know that I sit in my room with the music blaring, working on my stereo. After I do that and I get my music where I like it, I lie back and think about the pain and suffering to myself and others because of what happens in this crappy town. When I think about this, I can’t help myself or my friends because I’m in the same loophole and I can’t get out. I try, but nothing works and I’m just caught up with the **** that happens. That is why if you really knew me you would know this is about me.
Journal #75
I don’t really like the topic, so I’m just going to write. I have been doing a lot better lately…..I’ve been going to school and getting my **** done. Staying out of trouble is hard. I’m doing alright in that department, but still taking trips to the principal’s office every once in while. I’m doing better now though. I still struggle somewhat, but I’m on a slow and steady track to success and that’s all I’m worried about.Soon enough, I’ll be off probation, working and probably, hopefully, going to Butte College. I will just keep trying my hardest to achieve my goals and hopefully it all turns out in the end…I will not give up!
Journal #76
I’ve claimed territory. I try to change my ways, but it’s hard. It’s all about Mexicans fighting over a color. I know it is dumb: Mexicans killing each other. I don’t care about red or blue. I don’t care about gangs. I try to be friends with the opposite gang but how do you do that with tattoos. My brother died from gangs. He got shot four times. I don’t know if it was his time to go.
Journal #77
I studied hard for my first communion. I had to learn four prayers in a week. It was hard. I thought I was not going to be able to do it, but I jut kept on studying and it came the day I had to do it and I passed. We killed a pig and had lots of food. We made tamales and some Mexican food I don’t know how to pronounce in English, but it was lots of fun.Now it is a sad day. It was hard to tell my aunts and uncles that I was leaving and it hurts. In the morning I went to the bank to get some money that my cousin sent me. I took my cousin and my brother to eat some hamburgers that afternoon. I already had plans of taking them somewhere because I wanted my cousins to remember me and when I came to Mexico. I’ve had a lot of fun in Mexico. It’s fantastic over here.